I fucked up

the nausea was gone

the dreams were gone

the headaches were gone

the heartache was dwindling

the sanity was returning

the socializing was increasing

the wanting was leaving

the love was fading

the depression was waning

the motivation was returning

and then i fucking texted him. 

and its all back. back to square one. fuck. 

hope i don't throw up. 

Surge

I'm currently waiting for Stacy's dance group to come on. I think it's going to be good! With the amount of time they've put into it, I would be surprised if it turned out bad. Everyone here is asian, and it's hip-hop – promising.

Today was pretty rad: I got to go sample sale shopping with Gina! It was really great to hang out just us two. I got 4 things, but Gina lost her "juju" and didn't buy anything! She was so sad, it was a total bummer.

This bladder infection just wont give up, ugh. 

When I got home, I got this random surge of emotion. Negative emotion. I hated it. It lasted a few seconds and I didnt know whether to cry or scream, so I just layed in bed and experienced it. Not fun. I hope it doesn't happen again. I don't need any new emotional issues. 

I couldn't hold back and I texted Ty again. I feel so powerless over myself. I'm trying to take control of my life, but I can't even control my own thoughts and actions, and I'm trying so hard. I am finding good distractions, but they aren't helping me move forward and out of this weird place that I'm in. I hope I can change that soon, or at least change my perception of myself. 

Moving Forward

I'm keeping busy, and trying to stay motivated. I made some business cards just in case...

I am really liking the song Moan by Trentemoeller. 

In this big universe no one deserves anything, and its up to me to create and find my own happiness. One-third of people are on anti-depressants – I hate being one of them. Its a crutch I'm using to avoid my problems. Hopefully I will be able to sleep through the night soon, I feel like a baby. Ugh. 

I helped Jonathon with a video project and it's been fun. We are presenting it today and that should be fun. 

We're at Wedgewood now and found out the corporate schedule was too packed to show it :( So maybe another day. Traffic sucked though...bleh. 

Ty texted me after 2 weeks of not talking... he was sorry for how he treated me. I said thanks and that we shouldnt talk. It was so hard. I just want to cry but I cant. So my next therapy appointment is on Monday...hopefully I can cry there. 

What made me happy today was this adorable snoring mouse :3 http://youtu.be/DlS3w1GGE8g

The Bridge

It's 3:30 AM on the morning of February 15th, so it is no longer Valentine's Day, technically. It's the time that bridges the day to remind me that I am alone, and the day that would have been our 2.5 year anniversary. 

When we knew something bad was coming, Ty asked if I would still consider it our anniversary, even if we weren't on the best of terms. I said I would, and he did too. It is definitely not an anniversary, we are not speaking, we both feel like we have ruined the other's life for the time being. It's beyond sad for me. It's depressing. I haven't felt this low for a while... just feeling hopeless in general. The want for happiness is gone in moments like these. I just wallow in the sadness, unable to do anything else: sleep, eat, think, talk, cry... I just feel so isolated, alone, and removed. 

The thing that made me happy today:

I went to lunch with Michael, because he kindly asked me to be his valentine! When we sat down, he told me I was beautiful. It really meant something. 

When you're a pretty girl, and have above average looks, you get told how pretty you are on a semi-regular basis. It becomes a designated trait as opposed to a given compliment, so often I just say thanks or smile and nod, with no attached emotion. This time he paused and looked at me for a second, then told me I was so beautiful and not to forget it. It rarely is so meaningful, so I looked away, blushed, and mumbled thank you. I'm so bad at receiving compliments, especially when they are really flattering like today. It made me pretty happy and brightened the rest of the day...until now. 

Off to play Sudoku until the sun rises. 

Focus

It's hard to focus on the good. It's so easy to see all the bad in the world, or in my life. I should think about all the great opportunities I have available to me, but really I have to concentrate on reminding myself that not everything is falling apart. 

Time is always working against me. The hard times, the painful times, the lonely times – they drag on and on and it seems like forever goes by before the good returns. The happy moments, the cherished events, the carefree fun – time speeds up and they're instantly all a memory. 

It's been 3 months since Ty and I broke up. It's been 3 days since I let myself accept he was gone. Time is standing still. Every thought is essentially the same. It begins with a beam of sadness directly at my heart, then a flash of a memory of Ty, sadness that I can't hold him now, then I'm searching for happiness, I still love him, a happy memory of Ty and me is recalled, the realization that he is just a memory. The cycle repeats. 

What made me happy today:

My 6 year old cousin Jake came to visit today. Here's a quick conversation we had:

Jake: Hey are we gonna see Ty?

Me: ...no, sorry. Ty and I aren't together anymore. 

Jake: Oh no. Are you gonna get another?

Me: Yea I will sometime. 

Jake: Make sure he's not a hobo.

Me: Oh of course not, Jake. Thanks. 

Jake: Cuz you won't know, but then you'll grow up and he'll be a hobo so don't do that. 

Sleep is so hard and I've dropped a lot of weight. I feel so powerless. I feel so weak. "Power is being told you're not loved, and not being destroyed by it." -Madonna. I don't want to be destroyed by it, but I don't know how to. It's destroying me. That's the power of love. 

It's hard to focus on happiness when I am so sad and lost. It's hard to focus on me when I defined myself as part of a pair. It's hard to focus on the present when my past is so much happier. It's hard to think about the future when I have planned every moment with him in it. The names of our children, the house we'll live in, the cars we'll drive, the places we'll go. None of that will happen. My furure is unknown, unpredictable, and unchoreographed. Everything scares me without him. I have no protection. I have no support. I have no love. 

My Journey to Happiness will be a long one.  

So...here I go.

Ty broke up with me. We saw it coming, so it didn't seem like the end of the world...well, for me, apparently it was. Just over two weeks into my second semester at USC, I stopped attending my early classes – opting to lay in bed for hours instead. It wasn't that I did not enjoy the classes. It was the stress I felt; the pressure from every aspect of my life. I couldn't cope. I wasn't dealing with anything the right way, and I was spiraling downward more and more quickly. By the fourth week, I had stopped attending class altogether, and couldn't meditate for more than a few minutes before the anxious thoughts took over. 

Something needed to change. Now the fifth week, I have taken a leave of absence, been diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder with panic attacks and Depression, and begun therapy. 

So, here I am. Starting my Journey to Happiness.