The Bridge

It's 3:30 AM on the morning of February 15th, so it is no longer Valentine's Day, technically. It's the time that bridges the day to remind me that I am alone, and the day that would have been our 2.5 year anniversary. 

When we knew something bad was coming, Ty asked if I would still consider it our anniversary, even if we weren't on the best of terms. I said I would, and he did too. It is definitely not an anniversary, we are not speaking, we both feel like we have ruined the other's life for the time being. It's beyond sad for me. It's depressing. I haven't felt this low for a while... just feeling hopeless in general. The want for happiness is gone in moments like these. I just wallow in the sadness, unable to do anything else: sleep, eat, think, talk, cry... I just feel so isolated, alone, and removed. 

The thing that made me happy today:

I went to lunch with Michael, because he kindly asked me to be his valentine! When we sat down, he told me I was beautiful. It really meant something. 

When you're a pretty girl, and have above average looks, you get told how pretty you are on a semi-regular basis. It becomes a designated trait as opposed to a given compliment, so often I just say thanks or smile and nod, with no attached emotion. This time he paused and looked at me for a second, then told me I was so beautiful and not to forget it. It rarely is so meaningful, so I looked away, blushed, and mumbled thank you. I'm so bad at receiving compliments, especially when they are really flattering like today. It made me pretty happy and brightened the rest of the day...until now. 

Off to play Sudoku until the sun rises. 

Focus

It's hard to focus on the good. It's so easy to see all the bad in the world, or in my life. I should think about all the great opportunities I have available to me, but really I have to concentrate on reminding myself that not everything is falling apart. 

Time is always working against me. The hard times, the painful times, the lonely times – they drag on and on and it seems like forever goes by before the good returns. The happy moments, the cherished events, the carefree fun – time speeds up and they're instantly all a memory. 

It's been 3 months since Ty and I broke up. It's been 3 days since I let myself accept he was gone. Time is standing still. Every thought is essentially the same. It begins with a beam of sadness directly at my heart, then a flash of a memory of Ty, sadness that I can't hold him now, then I'm searching for happiness, I still love him, a happy memory of Ty and me is recalled, the realization that he is just a memory. The cycle repeats. 

What made me happy today:

My 6 year old cousin Jake came to visit today. Here's a quick conversation we had:

Jake: Hey are we gonna see Ty?

Me: ...no, sorry. Ty and I aren't together anymore. 

Jake: Oh no. Are you gonna get another?

Me: Yea I will sometime. 

Jake: Make sure he's not a hobo.

Me: Oh of course not, Jake. Thanks. 

Jake: Cuz you won't know, but then you'll grow up and he'll be a hobo so don't do that. 

Sleep is so hard and I've dropped a lot of weight. I feel so powerless. I feel so weak. "Power is being told you're not loved, and not being destroyed by it." -Madonna. I don't want to be destroyed by it, but I don't know how to. It's destroying me. That's the power of love. 

It's hard to focus on happiness when I am so sad and lost. It's hard to focus on me when I defined myself as part of a pair. It's hard to focus on the present when my past is so much happier. It's hard to think about the future when I have planned every moment with him in it. The names of our children, the house we'll live in, the cars we'll drive, the places we'll go. None of that will happen. My furure is unknown, unpredictable, and unchoreographed. Everything scares me without him. I have no protection. I have no support. I have no love. 

My Journey to Happiness will be a long one.