Time is always working against me. The hard times, the painful times, the lonely times – they drag on and on and it seems like forever goes by before the good returns. The happy moments, the cherished events, the carefree fun – time speeds up and they're instantly all a memory.
It's been 3 months since Ty and I broke up. It's been 3 days since I let myself accept he was gone. Time is standing still. Every thought is essentially the same. It begins with a beam of sadness directly at my heart, then a flash of a memory of Ty, sadness that I can't hold him now, then I'm searching for happiness, I still love him, a happy memory of Ty and me is recalled, the realization that he is just a memory. The cycle repeats.
What made me happy today:
My 6 year old cousin Jake came to visit today. Here's a quick conversation we had:
Jake: Hey are we gonna see Ty?
Me: ...no, sorry. Ty and I aren't together anymore.
Jake: Oh no. Are you gonna get another?
Me: Yea I will sometime.
Jake: Make sure he's not a hobo.
Me: Oh of course not, Jake. Thanks.
Jake: Cuz you won't know, but then you'll grow up and he'll be a hobo so don't do that.
Sleep is so hard and I've dropped a lot of weight. I feel so powerless. I feel so weak. "Power is being told you're not loved, and not being destroyed by it." -Madonna. I don't want to be destroyed by it, but I don't know how to. It's destroying me. That's the power of love.
It's hard to focus on happiness when I am so sad and lost. It's hard to focus on me when I defined myself as part of a pair. It's hard to focus on the present when my past is so much happier. It's hard to think about the future when I have planned every moment with him in it. The names of our children, the house we'll live in, the cars we'll drive, the places we'll go. None of that will happen. My furure is unknown, unpredictable, and unchoreographed. Everything scares me without him. I have no protection. I have no support. I have no love.
My Journey to Happiness will be a long one.
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