Where did my optimism go?

Okay yea, I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I am still struggling... a lot. But I also lost my oldest sense of self.
I was always the happy, hopeful one. I was always optimistic. Now I can't even see myself having a reasonably bearable time anywhere in my future.
I just read a letter that I wrote to Ty for our last Christmas and even though I had just dove into the depression and Ty had said we were officially broken up - every word, emotion, topic, prediction, statement - everything in that letter was dripping in optimism. Ty was my hope for the world and my future, and I didn't know I had lost him 100% yet so I could still hold onto my sense of hope.
It's been 17 months since I knew that we were done. Let's call it 16 because I was in some crazy shock/denial for a while. Yet, I still have not returned to my base person. The person I was known to be, the person I knew myself to be; she hasn't returned and she is not really in sight either.
The hope I once has is gone. I don't know where it is. It's not lying dormant inside of me, and I know Ty didn't take it because he never really needed my emotional energy. I don't know where to get more, or how to restock.
I just want to feel like a whole person, and I don't. I have been trying to rebuild KTea as best I can. A lot of KTea got muddled up in the tidal wave that was Ty. Once the wave receded, a lot of what I had come to believe was myself was gone and I was left alone to rebuild. I couldn't just go back to what I had known before - a 16 year old, unknowing, immature, late bloomer of a kid. I had to just become this 18 year old girl in college with an identity. I had to spring into a body I wasn't familiar with. Someone I didn't and still don't know how to be.
I am an independent person. I am also social with an intimate group of people. I can socialize when I need to, but recently I feel myself avoiding new people more and more. I was pretty codependent with Ty, but I didn't know that I was defining the mature woman I was becoming as someone who depended on him for substance, for hope, for definition. When he left, I broke down as a person. I was already getting depressed when we were still together but at different schools. I was just sad to be apart from him. I actually felt like I was fine otherwise, it was just the separation from my best friend and how I defined myself that was eating at me.
Until I can fully separate myself from Ty, I will be depressed. Until I can redefine myself independently, I will be tethered to the person I had become through that relationship. And that tether has my optimism, drive, and happiness woven into it.

Will I ever be happy again?

I'm just sad. I am not happy. Every thought of Ty makes me happy, even when he was mad or annoying... at least i knew he cared. 

I dont have him in my life, I am not as happy. Why should I settle for this unhappiness? 

I don't know what will make me as happy as Ty made me. That scares me – what if I'm never that happy again? Life is so dull without Ty in it. I feel like I have nothing to live for if I cannot achieve my maximum happiness without needing someone else. I hate that I'm dependent on him for my happiness. So what if it's all in my head... that's where I am.

I saw that he changed his profile picture on facebook to yet another dumb picture. I don't get what he's doing now. I want to stop caring about him, but that feels impossible. His mom sent me the nicest texts and voicemail. It makes me miss the whole life that I left. His family was wonky but they rocked. They were at least interesting, I'm waiting for V&A to get interesting. Viv's weird and kinda funny, but it's not the same; and Alana's just smart, cute, and boring. They're both so immature. It sucks. 

I just want Ty's family back, I fit in so well, and they were all so nice and cared for me. I lost so much more than a boyfriend, I lost my life, my happiness, my sanity.

Mom and Dad were always so busy, and V&A were not desirable... so a boyfriend and his present, interesting, cool family was just better and easier. If Mom and Dad hadn't been so busy, I would have definitely preferred  to have been home more, but Dad has been so egotistical lately that conversation is usually hard, and mom has way more work than she deserves, so she's always swamped.  

Cathy got home from teaching and would hang out. That was nice, even though she was sometimes a dingbat. 

I just miss that balance of life. I was beyond happy, but this ever-present sadness, depression, and melancholia has brought my life to a constant, dreary gloom. 

What made me happy today was getting a new phone. Fun. Even techie stuff doesnt make me happy anymore...

But! I did get to Skype Blanche and that actually did make me happy! It wore off really quickly though. So that sucked. 

Give in // Stay strong

Today was a very wonderful day! The Theta luncheon was so much fun with Mom, Jane, and Jane's mother. Jane's parents are like more intense versions of my parents - it's funny how similar they are! Then Mom and I walked around the jewelry district, and Mom, the bad haggler, let me talk to the dude trying to sell me this beautiful, dainty, delicate white gold diamond band - unsuccessfully. We walked around a few shops and decided that Dad would be mad/sad if we got the ring for money/involvement reasons. Then Mom got home and told him, and he said it would have been a good deal and was sad we didn't buy it!! Ah, that's how life goes. Then Mom went home after I lectured her to not be on her phone while she's driving, squinty judgement eyes included. Mom dropped me off at home and I went to see Michael who always makes me feel loved. I think he just understands that I need to be loved right now, and kindly showers me in it. I really appreciate his friendship. I also made a Grindr and was browsing for a hot second before I deleted it. Weird... weird. Michael made sure to block himself before I could even see his profile! Then I gave the Ken Doll some Canada's for his back pain, because I totally know the feeling of being in a 100-year-old's state of motion. He felt better soon and started writing some music, which was pretty awesome to hear. He's really good at rap; and I had never seen him without a weave until today! Stopped at Ralph's, because TOILET PAPER. Then I came home when I got really overwhelmed from being so stimulated all day. I have been watching some truly hilarious YouTube videos and was really happy for a long time, but the drape of sadness has come down yet again. I'm drowning it out with Cranberry Juice Cocktail and Pocky. Sugar has its hooks deep in me. Momentary rush... but I just keep thinking about Ty. I don't want to think about him though so it's a constant loop of: Ty - no don't think about him KTea, stop thinking about Ty, he doesn't need to rule your mind, you rule your mind - but I'm a slave to my subconscious - then meditate to get closer to the true you - but I am being shut out by it! - why? - because ALL I CAN SEEM TO EVER DO IS THINK ABOUT TY. The cycle continues in multiple variations. I don't even know what it is I'm thinking about except for flashes of memories (that are only there in some ways) and bits of music that remind me of him. It just makes me so sad and gives me so much heartache to think about him and know that he isn't here and will probably never be my lover again. We were never friends, we met at camp for a few minutes, dated for 2 weeks, were official and said "I love you" after 3 weeks, and were instant best friends for over 2 years, straight. We really never fought, we never had some dumb breakup-get-back-together issue, we were literally perfect. Everyone was jealous, we were in it till the end, we even argued about what we were going to name our children (he was never going to get away with Aeris and he knew it)! I still don't know what exactly went wrong, but in the end, it was clear we needed to be independent for this time in our lives. Even though it made it harder for both of us, and we both became pretty miserable for a while, I hope it will be better for us in the long run. I hope we can still be best friends...but we never were just best friends to begin with. I was so comfortable around Ty. I don't think I have ever been so extremely, phenomenally close and at ease around anyone else. A best friend is one thing, but an intimate best friend and lover makes Remy and Lida look like acquaintances (sorry). That's why I so easily dropped them and became so attached to Ty, because he was infinitely more interesting and fun and amazing and caring and wonderful *all the time*. I wouldn't say I was dependent on him or anything, I had just never really encountered anyone in life that was such a perfect fit for me and I couldn't let it go. I can't let it go. Everyone says I'll assuredly meet someone better than Ty, he did have his flaws, but I really think I won't. That's what makes this so hard. I've lost an irreplaceable, essential part of my life, and even if I can get him back in the future, theres no guarantee he will be the same perfect person for me. In reality, people are always changing, and people never change. What I mean is, at this age: life is always different, change is eminent, stagnation is almost impossible; character traits and personality are extremely hard to change, even given the time and opportunity. Ty has always been very malleable, unbeknownst to himself, by the people around him and what they care and do not care about. Ty shapes himself to be the best fit for his situation. He can always achieve the cool factor and be a real interesting and genuine person for the crowd he's with. Well, for the frat life, you need to rail coke, fuck girls, and party hard: all things Ty would never have done when he was molded to his previous way of life. He changed his image, became a frat guy in the coolest sense, and I mean come on he's hot and awesome, I'd want a piece of that (and do...). I guess my point is that inside, Ty is sad that he changed, because he lost someone he really cared about. I wasn't perfect either, and the distance really took its toll - but in the end I think it was Ty who fucked up, not me. I'm saying this from the most unbiased part of my brain I swear. I just hope he is okay with who he has become, his decisions, and the effect this has on his future. Worst case scenario I think is a serious coke addiction, a fuck up in school, and dying/being expelled. It's not going to happen because he is such a smart guy but makes some of the dumbest mistakes; kinda like Jonathon, but I can't even compare them because Ty would beat Jonathon at anything I think...except maybe in the painfully tight hug category. I just want the thoughts to end. I could write for hours and hours about Ty. I just want to be able to focus on my life and the opportunities I have right now and the important things to me besides him, but I just can't. I think about him all the time because he still is the one part of life that matters most to me. I don't want him to be removed from my life. What would I be without him in my life? I can't let that go. It's too important. Why the hell would I want to let go the love of my life? How do I un-love someone? Please tell me. I'm dying to know the secret, because I'm pretty fucking stuck right now. I want a way out of this madness. I really mean madness too, I'm on pills up the wazoo and I hate it. I don't have control of anything in my life. I don't go out anymore because I'm always at 99% and that little bit of overwhelming activity just tips me to anxiety and panic attack filled experiences. I want it all to go away. I want to be sad in a white room with no one and nothing to think of. I want to not think of Ty, or how sad I am. I AM TRYING TO BE HAPPY, but you know what's getting in the way of my happy thoughts? The fact that the one person I would truly take a bullet for is out of my life and making the wrong decisions and I can't help him. I don't want to see him suffer, especially if I could have done something! I can't focus on me, when I care more about him than I do myself. BECAUSE I'M 19!!! I think irrationally and I just want to be with Ty and it's earth-shattering, and I am emotional, and I hate the life I have now (even though I know it rocks) because the one thing I truly want is to be with him.  I'm not spell checking this. Done.

I fucked up

the nausea was gone

the dreams were gone

the headaches were gone

the heartache was dwindling

the sanity was returning

the socializing was increasing

the wanting was leaving

the love was fading

the depression was waning

the motivation was returning

and then i fucking texted him. 

and its all back. back to square one. fuck. 

hope i don't throw up. 

Surge

I'm currently waiting for Stacy's dance group to come on. I think it's going to be good! With the amount of time they've put into it, I would be surprised if it turned out bad. Everyone here is asian, and it's hip-hop – promising.

Today was pretty rad: I got to go sample sale shopping with Gina! It was really great to hang out just us two. I got 4 things, but Gina lost her "juju" and didn't buy anything! She was so sad, it was a total bummer.

This bladder infection just wont give up, ugh. 

When I got home, I got this random surge of emotion. Negative emotion. I hated it. It lasted a few seconds and I didnt know whether to cry or scream, so I just layed in bed and experienced it. Not fun. I hope it doesn't happen again. I don't need any new emotional issues. 

I couldn't hold back and I texted Ty again. I feel so powerless over myself. I'm trying to take control of my life, but I can't even control my own thoughts and actions, and I'm trying so hard. I am finding good distractions, but they aren't helping me move forward and out of this weird place that I'm in. I hope I can change that soon, or at least change my perception of myself. 

Moving Forward

I'm keeping busy, and trying to stay motivated. I made some business cards just in case...

I am really liking the song Moan by Trentemoeller. 

In this big universe no one deserves anything, and its up to me to create and find my own happiness. One-third of people are on anti-depressants – I hate being one of them. Its a crutch I'm using to avoid my problems. Hopefully I will be able to sleep through the night soon, I feel like a baby. Ugh. 

I helped Jonathon with a video project and it's been fun. We are presenting it today and that should be fun. 

We're at Wedgewood now and found out the corporate schedule was too packed to show it :( So maybe another day. Traffic sucked though...bleh. 

Ty texted me after 2 weeks of not talking... he was sorry for how he treated me. I said thanks and that we shouldnt talk. It was so hard. I just want to cry but I cant. So my next therapy appointment is on Monday...hopefully I can cry there. 

What made me happy today was this adorable snoring mouse :3 http://youtu.be/DlS3w1GGE8g

The Bridge

It's 3:30 AM on the morning of February 15th, so it is no longer Valentine's Day, technically. It's the time that bridges the day to remind me that I am alone, and the day that would have been our 2.5 year anniversary. 

When we knew something bad was coming, Ty asked if I would still consider it our anniversary, even if we weren't on the best of terms. I said I would, and he did too. It is definitely not an anniversary, we are not speaking, we both feel like we have ruined the other's life for the time being. It's beyond sad for me. It's depressing. I haven't felt this low for a while... just feeling hopeless in general. The want for happiness is gone in moments like these. I just wallow in the sadness, unable to do anything else: sleep, eat, think, talk, cry... I just feel so isolated, alone, and removed. 

The thing that made me happy today:

I went to lunch with Michael, because he kindly asked me to be his valentine! When we sat down, he told me I was beautiful. It really meant something. 

When you're a pretty girl, and have above average looks, you get told how pretty you are on a semi-regular basis. It becomes a designated trait as opposed to a given compliment, so often I just say thanks or smile and nod, with no attached emotion. This time he paused and looked at me for a second, then told me I was so beautiful and not to forget it. It rarely is so meaningful, so I looked away, blushed, and mumbled thank you. I'm so bad at receiving compliments, especially when they are really flattering like today. It made me pretty happy and brightened the rest of the day...until now. 

Off to play Sudoku until the sun rises.