I dont have him in my life, I am not as happy. Why should I settle for this unhappiness?
I don't know what will make me as happy as Ty made me. That scares me – what if I'm never that happy again? Life is so dull without Ty in it. I feel like I have nothing to live for if I cannot achieve my maximum happiness without needing someone else. I hate that I'm dependent on him for my happiness. So what if it's all in my head... that's where I am.
I saw that he changed his profile picture on facebook to yet another dumb picture. I don't get what he's doing now. I want to stop caring about him, but that feels impossible. His mom sent me the nicest texts and voicemail. It makes me miss the whole life that I left. His family was wonky but they rocked. They were at least interesting, I'm waiting for V&A to get interesting. Viv's weird and kinda funny, but it's not the same; and Alana's just smart, cute, and boring. They're both so immature. It sucks.
I just want Ty's family back, I fit in so well, and they were all so nice and cared for me. I lost so much more than a boyfriend, I lost my life, my happiness, my sanity.
Mom and Dad were always so busy, and V&A were not desirable... so a boyfriend and his present, interesting, cool family was just better and easier. If Mom and Dad hadn't been so busy, I would have definitely preferred to have been home more, but Dad has been so egotistical lately that conversation is usually hard, and mom has way more work than she deserves, so she's always swamped.
Cathy got home from teaching and would hang out. That was nice, even though she was sometimes a dingbat.
I just miss that balance of life. I was beyond happy, but this ever-present sadness, depression, and melancholia has brought my life to a constant, dreary gloom.
What made me happy today was getting a new phone. Fun. Even techie stuff doesnt make me happy anymore...
But! I did get to Skype Blanche and that actually did make me happy! It wore off really quickly though. So that sucked.
No comments:
Post a Comment